Marital Confidence and Symptoms of Depression
“The purpose of removing a rib from Adam in the creation of the woman was not to form a biologically compatible creature, for that could have been accomplished with more dust; the purpose was to create kinship. ”
Marital Confidence and Symptoms of Depression
Many studies over the years have linked symptoms of depression with how a marriage is going. It ’ s clear that marriages affect depression and depression affects marriages. Research from Steven Beach at the University of Georgia, suggests that one way marriage and depression are linked is by negativity and conflict. Poorly handled conflict (like our Communication Danger Signs) puts both women and men at higher risk for symptoms of depression.
In a study by Sarah Whitton, coauthors Scott and Howard, and the research team at the University of Denver, found a special relationship between confidence and depressive symptoms for women. They measured confidence in terms of how strongly the person feels that her relationship has a solid future and also how strongly she feels that the two partners can successfully handle the issues that come their way in life. Changing Roles, Changing Rules found that the Communication Danger Signs led to women having lower confidence in the marriage, and that this lower level of confidence led to an increase in symptoms of depression. What does this mean for you and your partner?
First off,if you think you might be truly depressed, see your doctor or a mental health professional. Depression affects every aspect of your life, but it ’ s usually treatable. Second, keep in mind the many ways we ’ re saying to you that the Communication Danger Signs are bad for you and your marriage. If you and your spouse repeatedly have conflicts that become hostile or don ’ t go well, there is a chance that you may start to feel some hopelessness about your ability to resolve disagreements as a team and keep your marriage happy. These kinds of feelings, especially if they stick around for a while, can put you at risk for depression.
TYPES OF SUPPORT
Researchers use the word coping to describe what we do to deal with these upsetting events, and have found that both getting support from your partner and having the confidence that you can get that support if you need it are excellent ways of coping
To support your partner and your relationship, you can give
• Praise,
appreciation, or compliments
• Your time — which is also part of being there• Small tokens of love
• Gifts, large or small, at any time, including gifts that meet a need or desire of your partner
• Advice or opinions (though these are best given only when asked for)Here are some examples of the kinds of tasks that one partner can do to support the other when challenging times arise:
• Do housework
• Pick up the kids• Make dinner
• Call for airline tickets• Search online for something
• Assess what the other normally does during the day, and take on one of those tasksUnless you are living an unusually charmed life, you and your partner both experience stress, crises, illness, and other upsetting life events. Some are big and some are small, but no matter what, there are often times when you are unable to be happily carefree.
We want you to be able to be your best for each other when one or both of you are not free of care. There is a huge amount of literature on stress and coping in the psychological field ( http://mental-health.mozello.com/) . First, stress of many types can harm your relationship by leading to more negativity between the two of you. One or both of you are under each other. That ’ s not fun, and it damages your closeness. Second, one of the most important mechanisms for coping with stress in life is a supportive, loving mate. Third,feeling confident that you can get the support you need and want is just as important as receiving that support. Knowing that support is available, even if you do not use it all the time, is powerful. So how does the good stuff happen?
Support is a many splendored thing. There are a variety of ways that you and your partner can support each other, what works best for one person is not necessarily what works best for another. When you want to be helpful, you are likely to offer the type of support that works best for you , but it ’s especially important to learn about, pay attention to, and act on what is supportive to your partner (and vice versa).
Closely related to this point, the type of support you typically may need may not be the type of support your partner is best at giving. So even though your partner is trying to be supportive, you may not sense that support. Difficult situations can sometimes become worse when your partner is not there when you want him Being There or her to be. Partners may also become upset when they feel that they are trying to help, but find that the more they try, the worse things get.
But through it all, try to notice when and how your partner is attempting to give you support, even when it ’ s not what you might want or need most. We want you each to learn how to give more support to each other — support of the right type at the right time in the right way. It will also help, however, to recognize and be thankful for what your partner tries to do for you which can be harder than usual to do when you are the one who is stressed and anxious.
Being There
The night my father died it was hot and humid. It was the sort of night that would have been difficult to sleep anyway. . . . I felt a sadness so intense it hurt. Barbara curled up next to me on the sofa. She stroked me gently on the back and neck — the way she has
countless times when I am tense or tired, except the touch was so gentle this time. I talked a little, but not much. Eventually a fitful sleep came. In the dark hours of that evening I was not alone.I was loved.
— Kim Halford